Silent Night

Tonight i am painting, it eems i am at ease after the longest of times.
Smoking like there is no tommorrow at the same time, while listening to silent night hahaha
Yesterday Sky in euphoria prolly had one of the BEST jam sessions ever! finally we are moving forward musically, i feel honuored jamming with you boys. You guys rock.

Have so much to do man, damn. But i guess it beats thinking too much about useless people and useless shit. After i paint i`m gonan walk home from teh gallery its about 1hr 30mins walk, i enjoy long walks like these.

Maybe one day my life will turn around for the better. Despite the pile of shit i gotten myself into. btw the movie American Gangster is good! of course fails in comparison to the classic scar face.

And to the dear one waiting 8 days now, i hope you get what you want in this life. I guess i was`nt what you were looking for. Ok i better stop here before i get negative AGAIN!

Trying to cheer up, life is tough for us all. I`m just one of those people who are never quite strong and smart enough to move on, how does one forget? how does one just let go?
I realise thise morning and i look at the glorious mess of a room i have. I Keep many many things that i dun need. I guess its like me deep inside, i keep all these things and i cannot reconcile the reasons why i never get rid of them, sentimental? i doubt it.. mental more like it. HA!

Weekend is coming in a way i don`t look forward to it. Spend most of my weekends alone anyways. i`ll prolly come back to teh gallery to work. Life haaaii........ for what are?
I said a prayer today YES! SURPRISE! i asked God if his love is truely unconditional that he can help a scumbag like me out, because i really need a miracle. Never thought i woul dbe saying a prayer while smoking away, gone are the days when i would be studying the bible, praying hard for the people i cared for. I once believed i had a calling to preach Gods word, to defend the sheep and to love those whom have strayed. in the words of Nirvana " Jesus don`t want me for a sunbeam."
So i tonight i`ll rest on my bed, just trying to be happy that the few that are in my oikos are doing ok. No doing alright or ok is really more than specifics, its a wholistic perspective. Balance.

Who will stand on the other end of the scale to bring about balance in my life, the cross is heavy. maybe it might just be the right weight for my sins, am i thinking of atonement? forgiveness? love? i don`t know all i know and all i am really praying for beyond what i feel now, is to die.